Let Me Tell You About The Man Of My Dreams

Dear Universe,

For years I’ve had a recurring dream about a man who isn’t my (now ex) husband.

It’s funny to call him a man, really, because I only knew this man as a boy. I’ve never known an adult version of him. Just an old crush from childhood.

But the dream has always gone something like me loving him, wanting him, and doing my damndest to get him to realize he wants me, too. Sometimes there would be a brush of fingers or he would pick me over other women to go on a date with or, in the really racy ones, we’d maybe almost kiss. Everything was always instigated by me with extreme effort.

I would always wake up from these dreams begging for more. Feeling excited and ambitious almost. Like I wanted to see where it went and make it happen. I wanted to keep the fight going and finally get him to choose me.

And you know what, Universe? That’s exactly what I did in my marriage, too.

I don’t know if I believe this specific man is particularly relevant as much as what it is he represents: unrequited love and me overworking for it.

In my marriage, I got fed just enough bits of love morsel to stay on the hook. I was given glimpses of hope and reciprocity and affection enough to make me keep fighting and fighting and fighting – doing everything in my power to earn my husband’s love and attention.

And it wasn’t enough.

I mean, clearly it wasn’t enough for him. But I’m realizing now that it was never going to be enough for me, either.

He (my ex) asked me recently if I truly believe that I was in love with him.

Yes. I do. I did. Maybe in some ways I still am.

But love isn’t enough when you’re the only one working for it. When you’re the only one putting in the effort and tending to the relationship. When you are the only one who believes in the potential and is willing to do something to reach it.

My dream has changed since my marriage ended. It’s still with the same man, but this time he chooses me fully. He wants me as much as I want him. I don’t have to effort my way into his affections – they’re freely given. I’m understood. I’m liked. I’m loved.

That’s what I want now. That’s what I need.

I know that’s what real, reciprocated love feels like and that I deserve it. I know it will come to me.

But I also know that it won’t find me until I’ve found myself first – until I’ve fully integrated the lesson. That’s what this whole mess you’ve so lovingly bestowed upon me is for, I think.

So, message received, Universe. Keep the dreams coming, please. They’re motivating me. They’re teaching me. I’m paying attention.

And I’m looking forward to the day when my dreams come true.

XO – Bailee