I'm A Fucking Freak - Bailee McClellan

Dear Universe,

I feel the need to expand on my letter from this morning – about taking responsibility for my role in the ending of my marriage.

Because in that letter, I acknowledged how a lot of my actions have been based on fear. How I lost myself trying to keep my relationship going.

But there’s more truth there that needs to be told. I have been coming back to myself over the past several months – before any of this whole affair thing went down – and I maybe need to accept that “myself” just wasn’t compatible with him anymore.

I’ve been blaming him for giving up too easily or narrowing the narrative down to him being avoidant and me being overgiving. But maybe that glances over another of my fears that I just declared I wasn’t going to back down from: the fear that who I am is unlovable. That I am too much. That his leaving the relationship wasn’t entirely his fault, but partly mine for becoming a fucking freak.

Because let’s be honest, I write letters to the Universe for fuck sake. I believe in soul contracts and spiritual systems like astrology. I like philosophy and long talks about deep shit. I like slow living and nature and junk and stuff. I want to never work a normal job again and homeschool my kids someday.

I know that makes me a fucking freak to most people. And I guess it’s highly likely that my ex husband was one of them.

But also – it’s who I am. I can’t unsee my truths or un-believe the things I believe in. I won’t change the direction of the life I want to build for myself and my girls – one that defies the default and thrives in intention.

So maybe that’s why he left. Maybe he really is just better off with someone… normal.

That’s a harder pill to swallow – that who I truly am is not lovable anymore to the person who promised me unconditional love. It was a lot easier to just think that he had his own demons and this whole thing is something he will regret someday.

And also, maybe I need to stop denying that I ever would have been content staying in normal forever, and maybe I held on to hope and projection for far too long that I might convince him to become a fucking freak, too. Maybe there really is another fucking freak out there for me who doesn’t need to be dragged kicking and screaming along on the journey.

I guess that idea gives me hope, Universe. Maybe who I am wasn’t lovable anymore to this person, but I hold on to the hope that there still may be happy endings for the fucking freaks of the world anyway.

XO – Bailee