I Take Responsibility

Dear Universe,

I have to take some responsibility for myself in this experience. I’m not just the poor innocent victim I’ve made myself out to be in my head (and my writing).

For a long time now I’ve been blaming him for doing this to me and our family. And yeah, nothing about what he did was right.

But I made mistakes, too.

I stayed when I should have left and called it martyrdom in the name of love.

I forgave what I should never have forgiven.

I dismissed patterns that hurt me again and again and made excuses for them never getting resolved.

I tried to fix what wasn’t mine to fix and took it personally when I couldn’t.

I was in love with the hope, the potential of what the relationship could be, not what it was in reality.

I lost myself trying to accommodate – trying to hold everything together.

That’s all on me.

I convinced myself that I did all of this for love. And yeah, partially it was that. I still believe with my entire being that the love in my marriage could have been saved if we both had worked on ourselves within it.

But looking back now, after all the damage has been done, I can see that a lot of what I did, I did out of fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of my children growing up in a broken home. Fear of failure. Fear of admitting that I had invested so much time and energy in the wrong place. Fear of not being wanted or chosen or loved fully.

I did everything I could to prevent those fears from coming true, and then you showed up, Universe, you fickle little beyotch, and forced them on me anyway.

I know that’s kind of your thing. The lesson, the growth, the overcoming of fear – it’s coming for all of us one day whether we like it or not. And no amount of avoidance or escapism or prevention can stop it.

Maybe fear is just a sign that there’s a lesson to be learned – something you want us to be conscious of and work through rather than run away from. We’re meant to face the lessons head on while honoring our true selves – the minute we lose ourselves to the fear is the minute you step in and force us back on track, whether we like it or not.

I hope that through all of this I am learning, if nothing else, how to face my fears with integrity and self-respect. Consciousness and compassion.

I know that doing that isn’t easy or comfortable. That’s why most of us would rather avoid. Rather blame someone else than take responsibility for ourselves or admit what’s holding us back. We’re only human, after all.

But I want you to know that I’m pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down here, Universe. I think I see and understand what you want me to take away from this. I’m trying to integrate it.

So yeah – this whole thing blows. But I know that I am growing as a person and becoming stronger through it. I’m not hiding and I’m not running and I’m not going to sit in the blame game anymore.

Bring it on, Universe. Let’s do this shit.

XO – Bailee