Did I Ever Tell You The Story?

Dear Universe,

Did I ever tell you the story about how I came to be all hippie dippie – you know with all of this personal design and soul and, yeah, Universe stuff?

It all started because I felt like shit in my marriage.

So… let’s back up for a minute. You know what I’m going through with my divorce, etc. And from what I’ve told you so far, it makes it sound like I was a total blind-sided victim.

But the truth is that I hadn’t been happy for a long time and was hoping and trying and clawing to get out of the hole and make it work (which is a problem in itself to flesh out another day).

Back in the dark days of my unhappy marriage I found myself questioning what was wrong with me. Why I wasn’t more fun and free-spirited. Why I needed so much alone time. Why I couldn’t stick with anything for more than 5 seconds. Why nothing I did seemed to be good enough for him.

I felt criticized all the time for the way I was. And I believed that something was inherently wrong with me. That I wasn’t life-ing well enough or being the way a person “should” be.

Skipping ahead now because I honestly can’t remember the details of how I ended up down the rabbit hole… I discovered astrology, Human Design, and Gene Keys.

There it was in black in white: who I have always felt I truly am deep down written out in front of me. I could see myself in every description. I could see my life playing out exactly as my transits were showing. I could see where I was lying to myself about who I “should” be.

And it wasn’t just me seeing. I felt SEEN.

For the first time in such a long time I felt understood. Like I had been OK the whole time. Like I was intrinsically ME and there wasn’t anything wrong with it after all.

From there, there was no going back. There was no more pretending I “should” be anything else or believing that who I am is something to change or contort, especially for a man.

And yeah, I guess it turns out the person I am isn’t as compatible with my ex-husband as his married lover was. I wish I had been. I wanted so badly for him to see me, too. To love me as I was.

But now I’m getting to a point where I know it isn’t his love or approval or whatever that defines my worth. It isn’t his acceptance or understanding that I ever needed.

It was my own.

So I wanted to just take a second to thank you, Universe. Thank you for giving me the tools to see that I am perfectly OK just as I am.

I promise to live in that truth and be the ME you designed me to be, even if that means losing some people along the way who don’t get me. It’s OK. I see that now.

That’s it. That’s the story. Not an epic one, I know. But life-changing nonetheless.

XO – Bailee