How Do I Stop the Hate?

Dear Universe,

I need to talk to you about the other woman. Not because I want to. I’d rather not think about her at all. But I think I have to get it out.

I hate her.

And before I take this any further, let me preface by saying that I know all of these things I’m saying about her are just as much my ex-husband’s fault (or more). But there’s nuance there. He’s the father of my children. I still love him as my best friend even though he’s a fucking idiot. It’s in my interest to keep him in my life.

But her?

This woman will not be in my life.

This woman decided on behalf of my children and me that we shouldn’t have a family anymore.

How do I look past that? How do I not hate her?

I know that’s not what you want for me. You want me to love humanity and see the flaws and understand the gray zones and all of that. To err is to be human or whatever.

But seriously. How do I forgive this woman? How do I get past the hate?

I don’t want her around my children. She is not a role model of what a good woman is for my daughters. I don’t want them to have to look into the face of this woman.

“But Bailee, the kids are innocent. They don’t know any better.”

They only don’t know any better if they don’t understand the truth. I want them to know this story. And that everything about it was wrong.

I want them to know exactly who she is and what she’s done. I want them to know that she is selfish. That she is heartless. I want them to grow up knowing what she took away from them. From us.

Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m irrational and petty.

But I think she is the one who deserves this pain I’ve been feeling. This suffering. This loneliness. And not the kind that comes with growth or a better life on the other side…

And really, Universe, do you know what I hate most of all?

I hate her for making me a person who hates.

I don’t want to be this person.

I want to be strong enough to not let her even have any influence on my life. I want to be able to see her as a flawed human being who still deserves love and kindness and all that she didn’t give to me.

But right now, I don’t know if I’m a big enough person for that.

How do I become a big enough person for that, Universe?

Help me be that person, please.

-Bailee