I Went On a Date

Dear Universe,

I went on a date.

Yeah. Fucking surreal.

It went fine. We had a lovely time. It was with a perfectly wonderful man I met through Bumble. He was smart, funny, attractive.

And I wasn’t feeling it.

He asked me later after I had told him that I wasn’t interested in a second date (crippling guilt cringe), out of curiosity, what it was I was looking for in a partner. I really had to stumble through an answer because I did not under any circumstances want to say anything that would have given him the impression there was something wrong with him.

There wasn’t. I think maybe there is something wrong with me.

Because I’ve been sitting with that since – what I’m looking for in a partner. And I know the answer.

I once described my ideal relationship as having a very best friend I want to sleep with. And I stick to that.

The problem is that I went into the date thinking “does he feel like he could be my best friend?” Which probably was an impossible standard to hold this poor man to on a first fucking date after knowing him through all of four texts and two hours.

This whole best friend feeling I’m looking for requires a degree of intimacy and banter and teasing and inside jokes and familiarity that I’m realizing now just cannot exist on a very first date. I was expecting a stranger to instantly feel like my bestie. Pretty fucking unreasonable.

But I guess I was looking for a spark of that anyway.

Maybe that’s what a first date is for and I need to cut myself some slack? Or maybe I accidentally put him in an unfair competition with other well-established connections in my life?

I don’t know.

Part of me feels like I followed my gut and did the right thing. Another part thinks I jumped the gun and did this poor man dirty.

Either way, he deserves someone who leaves a first date dying for a second one. I sincerely hope he finds her. Universe, please please send this fantastic man a beautiful woman who has her shit far more together than I do.

And for me and this whole dating thing? Fuck I just don’t know if it’s how I’m meant to find my next partner.

No amount of mental Olympics beforehand can convince my brain that there isn’t inherently some level of evaluation that happens on a date. And I can’t handle that.

I can’t walk into any scenario with a man under the premise that we are seeing if this could be thing and be… normal. I think I need a level of familiarity with no expectations first before I’m able to adequately assess if feelings are there. I need no-pressure warm-up periods first where I can be weirdly me and not worry about what a man thinks about that. And then if he sticks around, well… that’s where things can have a real chance of taking off.

Which… yeah. Probably means I will be single forever. At this point that may be the preferable option to going on another blind date.

I’m proud of myself for stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying. I’ve obviously learned some things about myself here. Whether those things make me attractive or completely off-putting… well I guess that’s for the next man who somehow manages to wiggle his way into my life to decide.

God help the poor bastard.

XO – Bailee

August 31, 2026