I Can’t Handle It

Dear Universe,

I can’t even today.

The apartment is a fucking disaster and the laundry is piled up and that fucking cabinet door in the kitchen is broken again and we probably need to get groceries but maybe I have enough to get by today but what if it’s raining tomorrow and then it’s better to get groceries today but I don’t want to make a list and I can’t make a list anyway because now the kids are up and they don’t want to get dressed or eat their cereal (and actually Callie wants oatmeal, not cereal) so I start nagging and yelling and that stresses them out and then I catch myself and try to regulate but by then they’re unregulated and crying and dragging their feet and just being total fucking little shits and then I feel like fucking shit for even thinking that my kids are fucking shits and maybe Callie is too tired to go to daycare today and I should keep her home but I’m too tired to spend another day making more mess and feeling guilty about letting her watch iPad and mentally checking out while we put together puzzles and color and whatever the fuck else I don’t want to do but I should because I want to be a good mom and how in the fuck did I ever think I was going to be able to homeschool my kids like I theoretically want to if I can’t even handle a week together with them sans alone time without losing my fucking mind like I apparently am now and if I don’t homeschool them then maybe I’m violating my values and locking myself into this loop of getting up to a fucking alarm and forcing my kids out of bed when we are all tired and going to school where I inevitably forget the fucking turtaske because I couldn’t handle reading the AULA message from the teacher when it came in (and speaking of AULA I can see I missed 15 notifications from the parent group I signed up to be in thinking of course I would be able to take that on and keep up but now I’m behind and they must think I’m an awful pile of shit and they have to pick up my slack ping ping new notification ping) and then I forgot to go back and read the message from the teacher so now I’m that mom who has to ask for help with a solution for the turtaske I didn’t bring and I hate asking for help because it makes me feel like I’m too weak to be able to take care of things myself and I should be able to take care of all of this.

(Deep inhale).

Anyway… eventually we get out the door but I didn’t want to deal with figuring out lights on their bikes because now it’s practically pitch black when we are on our way to school and it’s going to rain later so they won’t want to bike and I can’t handle the fight of getting them to bike home in the rain without the whining making my skin crawl so we took the wagon and then some parent along the path commented to my kids “wow what luxury treatment to ride in the wagon” and I’m sure he was well-intentioned but then I thought OK maybe I’m coddling my kids but also look at all of these parents with kids in cargo bikes and is that luxury? It certainly would be for me because I can’t afford/don’t have parking for a cargo bike so wagon is our best option plus I actually don’t mind walking with the wagon even though I’m sure I look like an idiot and then another mom rode by on her cargo bike fitted with Halloween lights and then I felt like the world’s worst mom because maybe I should be doing more nice and cutesy things for my kids so I should probably kick it up a notch and while I was thinking that we went into the school where I carried Piper’s backpack into the classroom for her and someone made a comment to Piper about her mom carrying her backpack and couldn’t she do that herself and then I felt like the world’s worst mom for coddling my kids too much again.

So I just smile and say “godmorgen” to the other parents like I’m totally fine because I am totally fine or at least I should be because comparatively I have very little on my plate and then I feel like because I have comparatively little on my plate, everyone thinks I’m a lazy pile of unemployed shit and maybe I should just get a job to prove that I’m not a lazy pile of shit but how in the fuck would I handle any goddamn thing if I can’t even handle this I have now when I don’t have a job and that must make me really weak that I can’t handle it but then I’m reliant on a system and hoping and praying our house sells (oh and I need to get to the house and try to do something to make it look better or something so we can get the fuck rid of it) and that isn’t a position I want to be in either because I want to be self-sufficient but also I don’t want to sell my soul and lose my energy for writing and god how in the fuck would I ever have the energy or ambition or inspiration to notice shit or write – what I fucking love doing – if I add a job on top of all of this but if I don’t get a job and I pursue my dream that I want to do and feel like I’m meant to do then I’m going to be fucking destitute… but if I don’t do it then am I failing at what I truly feel called to do but maybe all of that feeling of purpose and alignment and all of it is just delusion and I should grow the fuck up and go through the motions of surviving in the real world until I die.

Why can’t I just do it like everyone else and be normal and get shit done and meet expectations and stop being so fucking sensitive?

Why can’t I handle this?

XO – Bailee

October 20, 2026