Should I Just Quit?

Dear Universe,

FUUUUCK.

Yeah. Brace yourself. This letter is an F-bomb massacre.

I am so angry at myself for not being able to write this morning. I had an idea in my head but I couldn’t get it down on paper and now it’s gone and I feel like such a fucking pile of shit.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so fucking lost.

I want to write. But it feels like a privilege I haven’t earned. Like I have to prove it first.

That I’m good enough at it. That I have something worth saying. That I can produce consistently. That people reading my work actually give a shit. That I can make money with it.

And I can’t do any of those things yet. So what the fuck are my choices?

Throw in the towel and go sit behind a desk pretending that I give two shits about a stupid fucking job that is going to siphon any energy that would be left for creating?

Go all-in on this craft and be a fucking drain on society while pretending my words make one bit of fucking difference in this world?

What are you wanting me to do here, Universe? Seriously?

I feel delusional. Like I am noticing the world from my angle and putting my perspective into writing like people have for centuries, but does anyone even care about perspective anymore? Does what I have to say even matter? If what I say doesn’t make any money, is it just a waste of fucking time and energy to say it?

And what about on days like today when I can’t even get the fucking words out? How much value do I have when even the one useless thing I’m supposed to be doing doesn’t happen?

I feel small. I feel silly and worthless and like I should just give up and fall in line because that would be easier than whatever the hell this all is.

I don’t want to feel this fucking directionless anymore. I don’t want to keep trying this and trying that and failing again and again and again. I know I’m learning and growing and all of that bullshit I can feel on a good day but FUCK! When does it just start paying off? When do I start to see that any fucking thing I do is actually good enough? That it actually matters?

I don’t really know what else to say or ask for. I feel defeated. All I want to do is be me and use the gifts I believe you’ve given me for some greater purpose, but you’ve also spawned me into a world where maybe this purpose just isn’t purposeful anymore.

Help me, Universe. Where the fuck do I go from here?

XO – Bailee