Are We Done Yet?

Dear Universe,

My nervous system is fried. And I feel really weak because of it.

Not weak like I’m falling apart, but weak like I should have the capacity to do more and I just don’t.

I can’t handle any more stuff.

You know how retired people tell you they’ve had such a busy day and you think “Sure, Grandma, it must have been really hard going to the dentist and watching Wheel of Fortune all day.”

I’m the grandma right now.

I walk a lot. I do the yoga. I read the books. I have hours to myself during the day with no kids and no job and no immediate demands.

And still, I’m completely maxxed out.

It’s like I wake up at a level 7 out of 10 every day. Then my kids come in to bed for snuggles but they start squirming and touching my face and kicking off the blankets and already my body tenses to an 8 within minutes.

And by the time we get through our morning routine, usually including many an argument, cereal or juice spill, and me repeating the same demands I repeat every. single. day, I’m already at a 10.

Then I just live there the rest of the day. Maybe I’ll walk it down to a 9. Maybe I’ll cup of coffee it down to an 8 if I’m lucky. But I just live on those levels now.

And on those levels, every little task feels like a mountain to climb. Sending an email is exhausting. Figuring out what’s for dinner is overwhelming. Anything unexpected popping up and needing my attention is going to throw me into a spiral.

Oh and, Universe, my brain. It’s like Reno in there with flashing lights and messages popping up left and right.

“Are you doing everything you can for those girls?”

“What are you going to do with your life?”

“Should you be getting out more?”

I might not be working or looking like I’m doing much from the outside, but there are at least three insane full-time jobs going on in there at all times.

And I realize how frickin spoiled that sounds, Universe. How many single moms are there out there working actual full time jobs and managing all of this shit all alone? How in the sam hell do they do it?

And why am I so weak that I can’t do it, too?

I know what you’d tell me, Universe. “You’re not weak – you’re in survival mode. And this is just a phase. Good things will come. Ask for help. Be OK with doing the bare minimum. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Yeah, yeah.

I’m getting really tired of just living this way, Universe. I’m tired of living in this shit. Of being maxxed out. Of being lonely. Of being everything and nothing all at the same time every day.

When is this “phase” done? Because I gotta tell you – I’m over it. I’m so done with this.

I know it doesn’t work that way. I don’t get to declare “I’m good – let’s move on now, please!”

I need to just make it through one day at a time. I need to let it strengthen me. I need to absorb everything and learn the lessons. I need to be patient while my nervous system calibrates back down to normal.

But fuck, Universe! Throw a girl a bone here soon, please!

XO – Bailee