My Body Is Disintegrating

Dear Universe,

I can feel myself getting emotionally stronger every day, but physically I am disintegrating.

I’ve lost 13 pounds (6 kilos). My pants don’t fit anymore. I can see my rib cage all the way around my body and my shoulders protrude.

My nervous system is fried. I snap at my kids constantly. I’m overstimulated constantly.

I’m probably not getting enough sleep. Probably not drinking enough water. Definitely not getting enough protein.

I walk over 15,000 steps most days between getting kids to and from daycare, getting groceries, etc. I walk up to our 3rd floor apartment at least 5 times a day. I’m trying to do some yoga a bit in the evenings.

I can tell that I’m running on empty. That my body is just… wilting away. But I can’t seem to do anything about it.

I feel too busy to make eating a priority, while at the same time anyone looking at my life would ask “what does she do all day?”

As soon as any negative thought spiral starts or a lie he’s told begins playing on repeat or I get frazzled about something, my appetite is gone. I can’t eat another bite.

I usually don’t prioritize feeding myself in the mornings anymore, only my kids. I rationalize that I will eat when I get home after dropping them off. But then I go to the house and work for a few hours to get it ready to sell. Or I go get groceries. Or I decide to go for even longer walk to clear my head. And by the time I get home, it’s the afternoon.

So I eat one meal, have a cup of coffee and sometimes that is enough to make me feel full for the rest of the day. Or sometimes, on good days, I feel fine and eat 2 or 3 meals, but then my stomach revolts and I feel like nauseous crap the rest of the day.

I feel like I’m not doing anything all day while at the same time doing everything. I’m constantly overwhelmed, even if all I actually have to do in a day is drop off and pick up my kids and make sure they’re fed. I’m tired all the time.

I know this isn’t sustainable, Universe. I know I can’t keep living like this, trauma response (or whatever it is) or not.

I know that my priority right now needs to be my health and wellbeing. You can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. And I’m trying.

Please give me the strength, Universe – physical and mental – to keep going. Help me to get my life back on track on all fronts. Send me the nourishment I need to go on. Help me find regulation.

Thank you for your constant care.

XO – Bailee