Which Story Should I Believe?

Dear Universe,

I’ve been having a really hard time putting the divorce story together in my head so that I can stop looking back and start moving forward. I’ve been wanting a clear narrative. A straight shot. Full understanding with no ambiguity.

Once I have that, THEN I will have direction and all of this will be easier to navigate.

Is he the villain in my story or just a flawed human being who wasn’t as far along on his growth journey?

Was there unrealized potential for us to have fixed our relationship or will I be happiest in a new relationship someday?

Could I have done more to have been a better wife or was I carrying too much of the emotional load already?

Was our love real or was he incapable of loving me in the way that I needed to be loved?

Should he have been there more for our family then or is it OK that he is stepping up more now?

Did he give up too soon and too easily or was this whole situation a necessary catalyst for us to move forward?

I already know your answer to all of these questions, Universe.

It’s “Yes.”

As in, all of it can be true at one time. There isn’t just one clear story here. I keep trying to wrap my brain around the one right narrative – swinging constantly back and forth between the necessary hurt and anger on the one side to the spiritual enlightenment and optimism on the other.

It’s emotional whiplash. I don’t need just one side. I need all of it at once to propel me forward.

That’s what I’m starting to understand now. I’m learning to accept that there is nuance here I need to live with. That I will never have one clean story. People are complex. Relationships are complicated. Being human is rarely simple.

It’s not easy for me to live in this limbo, but I get that is part of my challenge here, Universe – to embrace the uncertainty. To keep living and moving forward even though there isn’t a clear takeaway or moral to the story yet. There may never be one.

So, Universe, that’s what I’m going to do – befriend the ambiguity and keep living inside this messy blob of a story. I know I won’t do it perfectly just because I write it here right now, but I also know that you don’t ever expect perfection- only humanness.

Still… you’re really pushing me here, Universe! I’m reluctantly up to the challenge. Keep helping me grow. Keeping pushing me. Keep helping my story unfold.

XO – Bailee