Was Any Of It Real?

Dear Universe,

I’m packing up all of our stuff to move out of our house and going through all of the “treasures” I’ve kept over the years, which, as it turns out, includes several cards and love letters from my ex-husband (the one who just left us for another woman).

Reading these cards, Universe, is making me ask myself if all of it – the past 10+ years of my life with this person – was bullshit. And I hate that I’m doing that. It feels like my entire past unraveling.

I know what you’d probably say. Things were real enough. They changed. We were meant to grow and what happened happened for a reason and it’s all part of the journey and whatnot.

I get it, Universe. But how do I banish the thoughts that all of it has been a lie? That I wasted the best years of my life with a man who wasn’t far enough along on his journey to be able to stick around for his family?

How do I believe that I ever truly meant anything to this man when he could so easily and cruelly throw away everything we had?

For reference, here are some of my favorite excerpts from the cards I’m finding:

“You (and the kids) mean the whole world to me and I love you with my whole heart.”

“You are the best wife in the world – 100% better than I’ve ever dreamed. You are always there 100% for our wonderful family.”

“You and the girls are the light of my life. I love you to the moon and back.”

“You are the most fantastic and best woman in the world. I’m so lucky that we are together and you are the world’s best mom. I will love you for the rest of my life.”

How does that turn into “JK I’m unhappy now and it’s too much work so I’m leaving you for this other woman who I love better?”

I’m having a really frickin hard time holding on to the idea that the sentiment could have been real at the time and still ended this way.

Because then what happened? The love just vanished? It wasn’t worth fighting for? She was just even more fantastic and even more than he ever dreamed of?

I can’t wrap my head around a version of the story that doesn’t suck. It feels like yes I’m learning my lessons and moving forward now, but how do I look back and think about it then?

I want to believe, Universe. That I didn’t waste my time. That the love was real. That all of it doesn’t just disappear.

Help me, Universe. Help me find the truth. Or peace. Or whatever it is. Help me believe there was goodness and love and meaning in all of those words from back then, please.

And in the meantime, I’m throwing the cards in the garbage. Forgive me, Universe, for throwing love away.

XO – Bailee