I Called Him “Honey”

Dear Universe,

I accidentally called him – my ex-husband – “honey” today during an argument.

It just slipped out. I said it as naturally as I would have in any other argument we would have had over the past 10 years. Pleadingly. Lovingly. “Honey, can you really not see this?”

And it caught us both off-guard. The argument took a noticeable pause. I back-tracked and apologized for my mistake, and then it was like the air deflated out of both of our argument tires and we just stood there looking at each other, flat.

In the moment I was more embarrassed. And maybe I felt like a bit of a hypocrite because I have scolded him numerous times for calling me “skat” (the Danish equivalent of “honey”) since all of this went down.

But now, Universe? Now I’m just sad. Incredibly, heart-wrenchingly sad. A sad I can feel deep in my stomach.

This person was my very best friend just a few weeks ago. He was my confidante. My lover. My person. My “honey.”

Now we are complete strangers.

We barely speak anymore. And when we do, it’s strained. Every conversation ends in yelling or tears or hanging up on the other.

Our relationship now is solely unanswered messages, slip-ups, schedules, and documents we remind each other to sign. It’s coordination and co-parenting.

It’s sad.

I miss him. Not as my partner. But I miss my best friend. I miss the familiarity. The intimacy. And more than anything I miss the person I thought he was.

There is no honey left – nothing sweet. All that remains is sour.

And I am devastated. That’s really all there is to say.

XO – Bailee