This Is So Unfair…

Dear Universe,

I know I said I wasn’t going to write another letter about the divorce, but…

(Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you?)

I’m about to crawl out of my skin in rage. And injustice. And pain.

I am stuck with this person for the rest of my life – the person who gave up and left.

I have to give up my kids so that he gets his turn. I have to coordinate my plans and schedule around when the other woman has her kids. I STILL have to live my life around their decisions.

What the fuck?

How does he get to walk away from everything and it’s still ME who has to alter my life and my plans and my time with my kids for him? For them?

And I know what everyone says, Universe. “Bad things happen and it’s up to us to decide how we handle them.”

But seriously? Is that responsibility on my shoulders now, too?

My options are suck it up and play nice while being deeply enraged inside that I have no autonomy over my life, or be the bitter bitch who says out loud how unfair this is but “makes it harder for the kids.”

Those are my choices. And really they aren’t choices at all.

I feel like I have no power. No decision-making. No input over anything in this regard.

He blew up my entire life and the only freaking thing I can do is suck it up and smile. “For the kids.”

Meanwhile he gets EVERYTHING. A new “love of his life.” Kids when he wants them (when she’s busy with her own kids). Flexibility. Fun.

It doesn’t matter what I want. It definitely didn’t matter what I wanted.

Everything is determined by him (and her by extension). They pull the strings on my life, Universe.

And I can’t handle it. I can’t handle having my life and my time dictated by someone else – especially someone else who paid me absolutely zero regard. I can’t handle sharing my children because he made this decision for all of us.

How do I build my life the way I want to – the way I’m trying so desperately to – when I can’t run away from the strings?

He got to just say “nope I’m done – this is how your life will be now.” And I can’t protest. I can’t change it. I just… go with it. Go with what he demands of my life. Still.

What do I do, Universe? How do I not be bitter and angry and resentful?

I want to be friends with him. I do. I want us to be cooperative coparents. I want to be a good person who is just strong and big and who acts with reserve and dignity and integrity and whatever else.

But right now… I’m not there yet. I can’t get over the injustice of it all. Today I’m drowning in the rage and I can’t see through the fog of how unfair my life is.

My life. When does it truly become MY life, Universe? When?

XO – Bailee