I’m Begging You

Dear Universe,

I’m pretty sure he is with her right now.

And I wish so badly that I didn’t care.

But how do I not care, Universe? How do I lay here in my bed alone with my girls sleeping soundly down the hall and just… not think about it? Not think about being unwanted and replaced? Not think about my life where I am right now with responsibility and chaos and pain, and his… happy as a clam with her?

I know what everyone says. “You’ll be better off someday.” “He’s going to regret what he did.” “You’ll be the one with the great life down the road while he picks up the pieces of what he destroyed.”

I believe that. I do. But what do I do right now? What do I do with the pain crushing my chest in this moment?

It feels so unfair, Universe. He’s off living in rainbow and butterfly land – having fun, feeling in love. He got to make his choices and ride off into the sunset.

And then there’s me. Left behind to just… what? All I can do is suck it up. Try to survive through it. Keep hoping and believing that there might be rainbows and butterflies for me again someday.

But again, Universe, how do I make it through right now? It feels like my life is just an endless series of attempts to distract myself from my reality. A book here. Some writing there. Cleaning this. Organizing that. Trying to remember to eat.

If I’m lucky I can make it through an hour or so now without feeling like I got punched in the gut- better than the sinking feeling I had every minute of every day before. I guess that’s progress.

Am I weak, Universe? Should I be over it by now? Just be able to move on and not think about him laying with her right this minute, laughing and being completely carefree? All while I am here, exhausted and shriveling to nothing like a raisin?

Please make me strong, Universe. Please keep me distracted. Please help me not care. I beg you.

I’m going to try to close my eyes now. I hope my dreams are filled with my own rainbows and butterflies rather than his. That feels like about as much as a girl can hope for right now.

XO – Bailee