What To Do With The Quiet?

Dear Universe,

I’m home alone today and it feels… quiet.

The boxes are unpacked. All the damage is done (I hope). There’s nothing really to do or plan or ponder. It just… is.

And I’m not sure I know how to do just being still in the quiet. Is this what relaxing is? Is this quietness normal?

For months I’ve been obsessively planning what our family’s future could look like. And then – surprise! – every plan blew up into little pieces of shit. And then I spent weeks wallowing in the shit. And then I packed up and moved away from the shit.

And now I’m just sitting here. In the quiet. Shitless.

Not scared. Not bored. Not really overwhelmed or lonely or particularly tired.

Just… shitless. Empty.

What do I do with that, Universe?

I feel like it’s supposed to feel good – to be free of shit. But I think I’ve been managing the shit and trying to control the shit and living in the shit for so long that shitless just feels wrong somehow. Confusing.

So here I am processing out loud. Writing. Writing a bunch of stuff.

Stuff…

Maybe that’s what replaces the shit. Stuff.

Stuff you like doing. Stuff that feeds you. Stuff that makes you feel good and whole and right instead of shitty.

Is that what the quiet is for, Universe? Does quiet help you move away from shit and into finding your own stuff?

That would be welcomed. It feels a bit odd right now, but I think maybe I’m going to like stuff a lot better than shit.

So if you’ll excuse me, Universe, I think I’m going to go do some more stuff. Wish me luck.

XO – Bailee