What Am I Doing?

Dear daughters,

I have no idea what I’m doing in my life right now.

I feel like I’ve been on an unintended journey of learning what’s real and meaningful in this life for a while, and what I’ve realized is that tying our identities up in job titles and selling our most precious resource – our time – for money (which maybe isn’t as precious as we make it out to be) might not be the “real” or “meaningful” my soul’s been searching for.

But where does that leave me then? Where does that leave us?

I want to live fully and freely in this life as ME – to share my gifts and talents and perspectives with the world. And that’s absolutely what I want for you, too. But the world doesn’t always make that easy. It throws its rules and expectations in your face at every turn. Work harder. Hustle more. Earn it. Prove yourself and then you can be yourself.

Honestly I think most people can see that. Maybe they won’t admit it or it isn’t blaringly obvious, but deep down, they know. What’s real and meaningful in the world gets squashed by “reality” (a misnomer if ever there was one). And I think what happens for most people is that it’s easier to just play the game. To avoid rocking the boat or being too different. To follow what’s known and what’s safe. To reserve energy instead of spending it questioning, even when not doing so leaves us feeling a bit hollow.

I’ve been there. I get it.

But now I’m not so sure that I’m “most people” anymore. Not in an “I’m special” kind of way, but in an “I’m willing to make the sacrifices for something more” kind of way. I’m willing to go against the grain and be the weird one and do the hard work of making “real” happen even when the “real world” says I shouldn’t.

I just haven’t exactly figured out how to do that yet…

So this is my declaration to you: I am determined to make it happen. For me. For us.

That might mean following the rules longer than I want to for the sake of survival, or making tough, unpopular decisions. I might make terribly miscalculated mistakes along the way that life might make me pay for one day. But I choose to trust my intuition. It will put me where I need to be, even if that’s on failure’s doorstep where the best growth and learning tends to happen.

Deep in my heart, I know it all will be worth it – whatever “it” is. We have just this one life and I want us to make sure we honor that gift in its entirety. Thanks for bearing with me while I learn how to get us there. It’s going to be a hell of a ride.

Love always,

Mom