I’m Lonely

Dear Universe,

I’m lonely.

I’ve been holding that to myself because I don’t want my family to worry or for a bunch of people to reach out with “how are you’s?”

Because that’s not really what I mean. I’m not lacking in social stimulation or support. And I’m not sitting here like “waa I want a boyfriend.” Hell no.

What I am missing is a person to call home – someone who makes me feel like I am right where I need to be in this world.

I lost that in my marriage long before any affair ever happened. I’ve been alone for an incredibly long time.

And, Universe, I am desperate for depth. I am craving connection to my core.

This isn’t about wanting romance or someone to help with daily life or sex or any of that (I mean, I wouldn’t say no to that either but…).

I am dying to to feel seen. Understood. Chosen. I so badly want for someone to find me fascinating and want to live inside of my brain with me.

I want to talk to someone. Like actually talk. Not just about how I’m managing with the affair. Not just about my kids or the latest series I watched or what I’m doing with my life (god, anything but that please…).

I want someone who wants to discuss the meaning of life with me. I want someone who wants to share dreams and hopes. I want someone who actually wants to sit here with me – to just be – and ponder all of these questions I pose to you, Universe.

And I’m afraid that isn’t coming any time soon.

I’m afraid I’m going to suffocate in the “just get out and do more” or the “learn to love being alone” advice in the meantime.

Universe, I think you know as well as anyone that I am about as independent as they come. I enjoy my own company. I am introverted. I have friends enough and family who listen and things I get out and do for myself, and anything more than that becomes overwhelming and forced.

My problem isn’t that I can’t go it alone. It’s that I don’t want to anymore.

And man do I know myself, Universe. I know that I am a professional masker. I can’t hop on dating apps or network or “just” meet new people or make new friends. Blech. The moment I feel like I’m being evaluated in any way, the mask comes on. I perform. I contort to what I think the other person wants out of me.

And I’m done doing that. I’d rather be lonely than be that anymore.

What I truly need is genuine connection. I need to feel like I’m not a weirdo. I need to feel like someone in this world wants me and my life and everything that entails.

I’m throwing that vulnerability straight your way, Universe. No more sugarcoating.

Please help me overcome this period of loneliness. Please help this – the writing, the expression, the connection I’m trying to make with you – be enough for now. Please help me be patient while the person who truly sees me is finding me.

XO – Bailee